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Sticker vs tattoo

Melissa Crum • Jan 11, 2024

Have you ever been accused of being racist? Here’s how to handle it…

Let’s just get the elephant out of the room — I’m not accusing you of saying or doing anything racist! 


Maybe you have — maybe you haven´t — maybe you don’t even know. But, this is something that comes up in my workshops so I wanted to share it here with you.


Okay, play along with me here…


Imagine you say something at work and someone turns around and says “that was racist
” — or worse yet, makes a complaint against you.


Whaaaaaaaaat?! You are outraged! 


What do you say? How do you combat this?


Here’s what I have seen a lot:


Option A:
You get defensive and try to shut that down with comments like “What?! I’m not racist, I’ve got Black friends/an Asian partner/adopted kids from Nigeria” — or something along these lines.


Option B:
You feel shame, you feel terrible, you can’t stop thinking about this and you internalize it so much that you finally feel it must be true. You are a racist.


I guess there’s also option C — that you just don’t care — but I’m figuring you wou
ldn’t be reading this blog if you think like that!


Brené Brown talks about the difference between guilt and shame in her book Daring Leadership. The idea is that shame feels very permanent and defines who you are — like a tattoo you can’t erase. By contrast, guilt can be more temporary, like a sticker you wear for now but you can take it off and throw it in the trash later.


With both options A and B above, you are reacting as if someone has tattooed “racist” on your forehead, there to stay forever more, which completely goes against your perception of yourself.


But, I invite you to do something different. Wear it like a sticker.


It does not have to define you or be part of who you are forever. But if someone said you said something racist, then I invite you to explore that.


So maybe you say: “Oh, okay. Can you tell me more about how that is understood as racist?” 


Then after the explanation, you may say, “Ok, I can see how that is racist. I take responsibility for saying that.” 


Or 


“I take responsibility for supporting a policy that harms people of certain races more than others. I can see how that is racist.”


“Okay, I said something racist.” or “Yes, I supported a policy that was racist.”


And you own that, you’re accountable and responsible for it. But you DO NOT internalize it. 


How do you fix it? Well, you can’t unsay it. 


You can apologize but the best apology is changed behavior.


You say you’re wrong, you learn and understand why, and you commit to behaving differently next time.


Then you take that sticker off. Done. Your mess-ups are temporary.


This is going to take some bravery (this is why I always talk about creating a “brave space” in my DEI workshops) but this is how you grow and create a more inclusive world around you.


(By the way, Ibram X. Kendi first spoke about this tattoo vs sticker metaphor in his book
How to be Anti-Racist, well worth a read if you want to explore this subject more).


Rooting for you on your anti-racist journey,


Melissa


PS This is the kind of stuff I work through in my workshops. If you’re interested in having me come to your workplace to hold a workshop on anti-racism, drop me a reply and let’s have a chat!


By Melissa Crum 01 Feb, 2024
You’re great at what you do, I am sure of it. But I bet there are som e elements of your job that you struggle with (because you are human after all!). And while I don’t know what those are for you, the one challenge I see over and over again in my workshops is how to manage people. Because most managers are not trained on how to be a “great manager,” they’re promoted to manager because they’re great at what they do, which is an entirely different skill set. Add race to the picture and well, your job just got a whole lot harder ! I’ve got one tip for you… After leading workshops in more than 200+ businesses, organizations, and schools across the country, it’s this: When you dismiss someone, demote someone, or give someone life-changing negative news in the workplace, it should not be the first time they hear the reason why. Workplaces need to have a system in place to give consistent feedback (following inclusive practices) so bosses can talk to employees about their shortcomings and offer training on those areas long before it reaches the critical stage. And that requires bravery. Why? Because it is so much easier to say nothing than to call someone into your office and be transparent about their shortcomings. You will feel a bit awkward, a bit vulnerable in those conversations. And they may not always be very pleasant. But that bravery will help individuals grow, as long as training and helpful support is also offered. And then you’ll have a team that is not only happy but has an enviably low turnover. Because you, are officially an awesome manager! If you’re not a manager and you worry about being on the receiving end of bad news like this in the workplace, I can email you some tips and thoughts to help you in my next post if you like? Let me know! Warm regards, Melissa PS I’d love to know if you have any burning questions that I can help you with… If you’ve got a situation at work that you’d like some DEI advice on, drop me a quick reply now because I’d be happy to address it for you in a future blog post (and I’d keep you 100% anonymous of course!).
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Dear Northstar Cafe, On Jun 15, 2020, The Columbus Dispatch informed us that 50 protesters held a sit-in at your Short North location. It was an opportunity to offer ways Northstar might use its sphere of influence to address police brutality, such as removing your police discount, supporting frontline service workers with a physical tip jar, and requiring company-wide anti-racist training. Because you are my favorite restaurant, I became interested in what you are saying about people who look like me, a Black person. The sit-in protest came after you posted this message on your Instagram page : We stand with the Black community. We stand against police brutality. We stand committed to amplifying the voices of our Black colleagues and working alongside them to dismantle systemic racism in the restaurant industry and in our communities. Your pain, your voices, and your lives matter. Your statement reminded me of the words of Nona Jones , who is a Black woman, pastor and Head of Global Faith Partnerships at Facebook. Jones asked a colleague to explain what was meant when they said they “stand in solidarity” with her. She stated her colleague “made the mistake of confusing proximity with solidarity… Going from proximity to solidarity requires going from feeling to action.” Are you educating yourself for the purpose of mobilizing your influence and resources in the direction of change? In the case of the protestors at Northstar, they were peacefully demanding that you prove that you knew the difference between proximity and solidarity. Although the murder of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor gained national attention and shed light on state-sanctioned violence, the issue of police brutality isn’t new for Columbus. In 1999, the U.S. Justice Department sued the Columbus Police Department , accusing it of a pattern of civil rights abuses that included excessive force, false arrests and improper searches. Twenty years later, a study conducted by an external company found that CPD uses force disproportionately against minorities . If you believe that the request for the permanent dismissal of the police discount is about not allowing police to only spend $7 for a Northstar Burger instead of $14 you are missing the point. I was once asked “if a small percentage of looting rioters discredits the entire movement, then what does a small percentage of bad cops do?” If the issue is ridding CPD of a “few bad apples” then how long are those most impacted by those apples supposed to wait? How do you differentiate community support for “good” vs “bad” police officers who come into your restaurant? The question isn’t the presence of “good” police officers. There are plenty (depending on how you define “good”). What is being asked of you is why are you supporting a law enforcement system that allows the bad apples to thrive? How do you define a “good” officer if the system doesn't require those doing harm to be held accountable? Discounts are your sphere of influence. Keeping them is a way of saying that you are complicit with the law enforcement institution causing harm to your employees, patrons, and fellow human beings, even those who you may never meet. Therefore, you want to make it clear that you do not support an institution that doesn’t seek to protect and serve everyone. The removal of the discount, along with the other demands, asks you to use your sphere of influence. Your influence can demonstrate that until an institution that has proven to be oppressive to Black people fix themselves so that we can know that the “bad apples” are being held accountable for their action, then you are not willing to offer support. 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