To Spank or Not to Spank: Watching Black-ish and Thinking about Punishment
Dr. Melissa Crum • November 29, 2014
My new favorite show is Blackish, a new comedy that airs on ABC. It features an upper middle-class black family’s consistent inner struggle to fulfill racial stereotypes or find solace in alternative ways of living their lives. This week’s episode focused on Andre, the father, and Rainbow, his wife, fluctuating in-between whether or not to spank their son, Jack, for disobeying them.
In light of football player Adrian Peterson’s approach to the punishment of his son , we have been reminded of the significant amount of research regarding the effects of corporal punishment. Regardless of class or race, people aligned themselves with different points on the spectrum of pro- to anti-spanking. I remember getting maybe five spankings in my life. Two of them came from my grandmother. Those two incidences were the classic “go pick your switch from off the tree ” type whoopin’s (as we called them). But my mother was a little different.
She prioritized having conversations with me regarding my behavior. For example, I remember getting in trouble at nine-years-old for writing my name in wet cement. The conversation was not only about how I defaced property, but also about how the person who worked to lay the cement now has to come back and do it again just because I wanted to have a little fun. It wasn’t fair to them. I’ve taken that approach with my son, but he has challenged me to really think differently about punishment. Here are a few things that I realized on this parenting journey:
- Spankings don’t work for him: My son doesn’t like spankings, but they have a relatively indifferent affect on him. For the moment, he is sad, upset and wished that he didn’t get a spanking. But it doesn’t necessarily change his behavior. It doesn’t make him reflect on what to do differently or how to be a better person. If anything, it makes him think of new ways to ensure he doesn’t get caught again. That’s not the kind of son I want to raise.
- I realized spankings were for me: knowing that my son behavior really doesn’t change with spankings I’d spank him anyway. But what I realized, is that it’s really about me releasing my frustration about his behavior. I discovered if I walk away, take a moment to myself, think about what he did, why he did it, what I want him to do differently, and the best way to help him move in a more positive direction, I’m less angry and I’m less likely to spank him.
- I don’t want him to fear me: I’ve heard many stories of adults jokingly talk about the fear they had for one or both of their parents. This fear, according to them, is what kept their behavior in-check. But my concern is my son not forming his own internal gauge that determines the pros and cons of his behavior regardless of whether or not I will punish him. Meaning, if the fear of a spanking is the only thing that keeps his behavior in-check, what happens when I’m not there anymore? I don’t mean if I die or go away and never see him again. I mean when I don’t pose an imminent threat. When he’s a teenager and he’s facing a decision to make a good or bad choice and spanking is not an option, what motivates him to make the right choice? Or when he is an adult, if corporal punishment was the main determinant of whether or not he will make a good choice, how am I really preparing him to be a productive adult if he hasn’t shaped his internal moral gauge? My goal is not to be my child’s best friend, rather my goal is to shape a relationship of respect while he’s learning to be a better human overall.
- My son responds to environments: My son goes almost everywhere with me. Everything from community service projects to corporate meetings. He always gets compliments about his behavior, manners, and confidence. He’s been like this since he was four years old. But from kindergarten to second grade he would be someone else when he was in certain environments. When he was at school or with certain parents he will be an entirely different person. He will misbehave, have tantrums, be a bully, and just generally insubordinate. This was not behavior that I experienced at home or when he was with my family. In his previous educational environments (we were in a homeschool group first and then went to traditional school), I encouraged teachers to create an environment of responsibility and positive reinforcement. They didn’t see the value in it, thus didn’t comply. When they attempted to implement my suggestions, they would insert a negative component or bribe him (i.e. “if you don’t sit down you won’t get a sticker!”) It doesn’t work like that. He has recently changed schools and I see a huge change in his behavior. The difference is that the teacher and the entire school has a high focus on responsibility and positive reinforcement. It requires the same mental shift my son has at home. His focus is not on how to not be bad rather his focuses on ways to be good.
- But sometimes being positive isn’t enough: Sometimes he still needs negative consequences. I have two approaches: Taking away privileges and physical activity. I have implemented positive things that we do throughout the week that can be taken away. Consequences include not playing his gaming system, not going to his friends’ house, not getting to choose what we have for dinner, or he and I not going to some of his favorite places. He also has to do physical activities. He’s had to run, do sprints, push-ups, Burpee’s, jumping jacks, and/or wall sits for a designated amount of time. During this time he would have to repeat what his new behavior will be (i.e. “I’ll be nice to my classmates… I’ll turn my homework in on time… I will do what I’m told the first time… etc.)
- My opinion matters to him: when he does something well and he has demonstrated hard work I ensured to celebrate him… maybe even exaggerate a bit. Usually that means calling family, putting them on speakerphone and saying “Ooh my goodness!!! He made the honor roll!!!” then usually his grandmother, grandfather, and cousins get on speakerphone as well or call him throughout the day to tell him how proud they are of him. But when his behavior is not good, he’s made aware of all of our disappointments and we know that he’s better than the behavior he displayed.
So, I agree with Andre’s ultimate decision to not spank his son Jack. Like my son, Jack did not have malicious intent. His attempt to have fun with his parents was done at the most inappropriate times. And I think Andre recognized that spanking will not help Jack understand the true lesson: there’s a time and a place for everything. Maybe we can all think about how we can teach such lessons that transcends age and shape consequences that are best suited for individual children.
You’re great at what you do, I am sure of it. But I bet there are som e elements of your job that you struggle with (because you are human after all!). And while I don’t know what those are for you, the one challenge I see over and over again in my workshops is how to manage people. Because most managers are not trained on how to be a “great manager,” they’re promoted to manager because they’re great at what they do, which is an entirely different skill set. Add race to the picture and well, your job just got a whole lot harder ! I’ve got one tip for you… After leading workshops in more than 200+ businesses, organizations, and schools across the country, it’s this: When you dismiss someone, demote someone, or give someone life-changing negative news in the workplace, it should not be the first time they hear the reason why. Workplaces need to have a system in place to give consistent feedback (following inclusive practices) so bosses can talk to employees about their shortcomings and offer training on those areas long before it reaches the critical stage. And that requires bravery. Why? Because it is so much easier to say nothing than to call someone into your office and be transparent about their shortcomings. You will feel a bit awkward, a bit vulnerable in those conversations. And they may not always be very pleasant. But that bravery will help individuals grow, as long as training and helpful support is also offered. And then you’ll have a team that is not only happy but has an enviably low turnover. Because you, are officially an awesome manager! If you’re not a manager and you worry about being on the receiving end of bad news like this in the workplace, I can email you some tips and thoughts to help you in my next post if you like? Let me know! Warm regards, Melissa PS I’d love to know if you have any burning questions that I can help you with… If you’ve got a situation at work that you’d like some DEI advice on, drop me a quick reply now because I’d be happy to address it for you in a future blog post (and I’d keep you 100% anonymous of course!).
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Dear Northstar Cafe, On Jun 15, 2020, The Columbus Dispatch informed us that 50 protesters held a sit-in at your Short North location. It was an opportunity to offer ways Northstar might use its sphere of influence to address police brutality, such as removing your police discount, supporting frontline service workers with a physical tip jar, and requiring company-wide anti-racist training. Because you are my favorite restaurant, I became interested in what you are saying about people who look like me, a Black person. The sit-in protest came after you posted this message on your Instagram page : We stand with the Black community. We stand against police brutality. We stand committed to amplifying the voices of our Black colleagues and working alongside them to dismantle systemic racism in the restaurant industry and in our communities. Your pain, your voices, and your lives matter. Your statement reminded me of the words of Nona Jones , who is a Black woman, pastor and Head of Global Faith Partnerships at Facebook. Jones asked a colleague to explain what was meant when they said they “stand in solidarity” with her. She stated her colleague “made the mistake of confusing proximity with solidarity… Going from proximity to solidarity requires going from feeling to action.” Are you educating yourself for the purpose of mobilizing your influence and resources in the direction of change? In the case of the protestors at Northstar, they were peacefully demanding that you prove that you knew the difference between proximity and solidarity. Although the murder of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor gained national attention and shed light on state-sanctioned violence, the issue of police brutality isn’t new for Columbus. In 1999, the U.S. Justice Department sued the Columbus Police Department , accusing it of a pattern of civil rights abuses that included excessive force, false arrests and improper searches. Twenty years later, a study conducted by an external company found that CPD uses force disproportionately against minorities . If you believe that the request for the permanent dismissal of the police discount is about not allowing police to only spend $7 for a Northstar Burger instead of $14 you are missing the point. I was once asked “if a small percentage of looting rioters discredits the entire movement, then what does a small percentage of bad cops do?” If the issue is ridding CPD of a “few bad apples” then how long are those most impacted by those apples supposed to wait? How do you differentiate community support for “good” vs “bad” police officers who come into your restaurant? The question isn’t the presence of “good” police officers. There are plenty (depending on how you define “good”). What is being asked of you is why are you supporting a law enforcement system that allows the bad apples to thrive? How do you define a “good” officer if the system doesn't require those doing harm to be held accountable? Discounts are your sphere of influence. Keeping them is a way of saying that you are complicit with the law enforcement institution causing harm to your employees, patrons, and fellow human beings, even those who you may never meet. Therefore, you want to make it clear that you do not support an institution that doesn’t seek to protect and serve everyone. The removal of the discount, along with the other demands, asks you to use your sphere of influence. Your influence can demonstrate that until an institution that has proven to be oppressive to Black people fix themselves so that we can know that the “bad apples” are being held accountable for their action, then you are not willing to offer support. This position is important because we don’t know if you are discounting the meals of abusive officers and their enablers. After I posted the June 15th article on my social media, I received numerous messages from Black friends and strangers telling me about their negative and scary experiences working for Northstar and Brassica (both under the same ownership). Companies can't make sincere public statements about standing with Black people when the ones in closest proximity are saying that you are standing on their necks . The statement is not only ironic, its gaslighting. Be honest . Honesty could be that the owners are more interested in profit over people. Or honesty could be acknowledging the harm you’ve caused directly or allowed to happen to your employees who are members of the Black community and those who support us. Accountability is required. That might be beyond what you budgeted for and it will likely be uncomfortable. But whatever you choose to do to actually stand in solidarity won’t include a public statement because you have demonstrated that you have no intent to follow through with actionable steps. So, Northstar, I need you to reflect. I need you to consider and choose to make these shifts. Not only because I don’t want to have to find another restaurant to make my ricotta pancakes and hot cider made with whipped cream of the perfect consistency, but because people shouldn’t have their dehumanization be justified by the goal of sustaining high profit margins. They shouldn’t have to feel like they have to remind their employers of their humanity while they are trying to keep their job to survive.